Overcoming Depression: A Books on Prescription Title by Paul Gilbert

Author:Paul Gilbert
Language: eng
Format: mobi
ISBN: 9781849010665
Publisher: Constable Robinson
Published: 2009-04-30T21:00:00+00:00

Avoiding conflict and anger

Another reason for self-blame is that it may feel safer to blame ourselves than to blame others. By self-blaming we might avoid conflicts and expressing our own anger. You will need to be honest about this – how frightened of your anger are you? How much do you think it could turn you into an unlovable person? Remember the example above of the blaming ourselves if the gods don’t help out or seem punitive (see pages 281–2) – sometimes we can be very frightened of anger and conflicts, and it is out of fear that we self-blame.

It may be that self-blame keeps the peace and stops us from having to challenge others. If, when we were children, our parents told us that they hit us because we were bad in some way, we might have accepted their view and rarely argued. This attitude can be carried on into adulthood. The other person always seems blameless, beyond rebuke.

People can be in conflict and in dilemmas about blame. One part of the self can feel angry, but another part can feel sorry or disloyal to (say) a parent. There can be a real desire to avoid conflict, and not wanting to be seen as ungrateful, aggressive or bad. The problem is, of course, that conflicts are part of life.

Sometimes we recognize that we are not totally blameless in something, but when it comes to arguing our case, the part that is our responsibility gets blown up out of proportion. We become over-focused on it and feel that we have not got a leg to stand on. However, most things in life have many causes, and the idea here is to avoid all-or-nothing thinking. By all means, accept your share of responsibility – none of us is an angel – but don’t overdo it. Healing comes from forgiving yourself and others.

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